To Where You Are
by Hakkai's Lady
Summary: COMPLETE Five years have past, and hearts have changed. Why did Gojyo leave Hakkai in his hour of need? Where are Sanzo's gun and fan? WHAT? GOKU'S NOT HUNGRY? PLEASE REVIEW
1. Default Chapter

To Where You Are

Disclaimer- You know the drill….I don't own the Saiyuki boys or any other characters…but I love them.

Author's note- This story takes place about 5 years after the journey west, and the characters have aged some. Just something to consider…Gojyo 27, Hakkai 27, Sanzo 28, Goku 23, Lirin (for my purposes here) 20.

Part 1: The Wrong Shade of Green

Gojyo

I've spent the past year roaming aimlessly through one town and on to the next with little purpose. Each of them seems as dead and pale as the last. No amount of alcohol and nicotine can stop the craving I have. No woman…or man can entice me to bed. It used to be that I could close my eyes and pretend that it was him in my bed, but I can't even do that anymore. The loneliness I feel is more than just a physical depravation. I miss him. I find my self staring at the bright green of the grass or the pale jade of the some tart's dress and wishing for one glimpse that unmistakable emerald of his eyes. But I know I'll never see that color again…and I only have my self to blame. It's all my fault.

Sanzo told me that there was nothing they could do. The Gods wouldn't help him like they did before, and what could mortals do? Damn, I hate feeling so helpless and I hate them for being so uncaring. We went on their little mission didn't we? At anytime, we could have quit, but we saw it through to the very end. And he smiled through it all. Why the hell can't they just give him this?

I run my fingers through my short hair and stare out the window again hoping that if I stare down the road long enough I'll be able to make myself move this time. I feel frozen here. There is something within me that won't allow me to do the one thing I have been longing to do for so long.

I wonder if Sanzo and Goku stayed with him? Sanzo always was a selfish bastard, but when Hakkai's involved things seem to change. It used to bother me sometimes, but Hakkai would just smile—when didn't he smile?—and say, "I chose to live my life with you, and I'm not going anywhere." Then, he'd wrap his arms around my neck and run his finders through my hair.

I grew my hair long again for Hakkai. Sanzo thinks I did it just to irritate him, but I did it because Hakkai said he loved the color. Hakkai managed to help me heal wounds inside me that I thought nothing could cure. He taught me what love was and for the first time it was more than sex. No one had ever shown me the kind of caring that Kai did. He was always gentle and sweet. Even touching the scar on his stomach and knowing how he fought, I saw him as more of a loving soul than a warrior. That's not to say I didn't respect his strength. Hakkai could finish off an army of youkai on his own, but would rather read a book or teach a class.

I love you, Hakkai. Damn, I wish I could have shown it. Instead I ran away. I'm sorry. There's only one way you'll know any of this—I'm coming, Hakkai.


	2. Part 2: Jealousy Comes in Crimson

Part 2: Jealousy Comes in Crimson

Sanzo

I light a cigarette and open the window to let out the smoke. Hakkai hates smoke, and I try to keep it to a minimum in the house. Outside, I'm a damn chimney, but I know how much it bothers him. I've never had a lover before. Never compromised. For Hakkai though, things change. I wanted him the moment I saw him. I sat back and let Gojyo hurt him and now I'm here to make sure that nothing ever hurts him again.

I remember how fucking polite he was and how he smiled, even when his life was on the line. We came to take to him back to what, for all he knew, could have been his execution, but he smiled. I wanted to ask him what the hell he had to smile about. His lover/sister was dead, and he was a murderer who had just recently had his guts ripped out. I almost never smile and I'm rarely polite…never figured there was a reason for any of that. He certainly didn't have a reason, but there he was. I guess that's why I loved him even then.

He used to be so beautiful—still is now, in some ways. I'd only known one other beautiful man in my life, and Hakkai was more so. There was a mixture or innocence, sadness, intelligence, and hope that lit across Hakkai's face all the time. And those eyes… he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever…have ever seen. He moved with a type of grace that I had never seen anyone manage before. The world could go to hell for all I cared, but Hakkai cared about everything. He put everyone before himself, but all I cared about was myself. I wanted him FOR myself. I wanted him so much. I wanted him as my lover, my friend, and my solace.

But there was Gojyo. He met Hakkai before I did, and they already had a bond before I came along. I knew I hated him from the first time I saw that red-haired asshole. I've never had to be jealous. When I was younger, I always knew I was better than everyone around me, and then I was given power and respect when I became a Sanzo. I didn't have any reason to be jealous until I met Hakkai…and knew I couldn't have him.

Now I have him, but at what cost? He's not the man he was. I love him, but there is so much pain in him now. I feel it when he touches me, I can hear it when I tries to laugh, but mostly I see it in his fake smile.

I stare at his form in the moonlight. His back is to me and the silvery light plays across his pale shoulders. Almost as if he knows I'm watching him, he asks, "Sanzo, is something wrong?"


	3. Part 3: Purple Haze

Part 3: Purple Haze

Goku

"Houmei, are you awake?" I ask as I touch my wife's shoulder.

"Hmmm? What is it, Goku?" she asks sleepily. "Don't even think about saying you're hungry!"

I am, but I won't tell her that. I've learned to control my stomach. "I was just thinking… Do you want to go visit Sanzo and Hakkai?"

"Couldn't this have waited? Why do we have to talk about this in the middle of the night?" Houmei sits up and squints at me in the dimness of the night. I can see her perfectly…I guess that's a perk of being a youkai.

"I don't know. Sanzo told me that I called to him and that's how he found me. It's sort of like that."

"Sanzo's calling you?"

"You could say that."

"WELL, TELL HIM TO SHUT UP!"

I laugh out loud. "That's exactly what he told me. Fine, I'll wait until morning, but then I want an answer."

I slip out the room and tip-toe down to the kitchen. The first time I met Houmei, she was still grieving the loss of a friend killed by a youkai. I couldn't blame her for hating us, but I didn't know how to show her that we aren't all like that. I came back a couple years later and she didn't hate me anymore. I put on the charm and she put on an apron, and whaddya know we're three years and twin girls (and one more on the way) into a marriage. We still live with her father at the inn where we met.

I grab a blue plate from the fridge and sit down at the table. Houmei color-coded the fridge for me. Blue is "fair game," green means "eat me at your own risk," and gold translates to "touch me and Houmei will kill you." Sanzo used to smack me for eating everything in sight, but Houmei with a butch knife is scarier than Sanzo with a fan any day.

Something isn't right. I feel it but what is it? Sanzo and Hakkai are a big part of it, though. Sanzo and Hakkai… boy did that take some getting used to. I always knew that Hakkai and Gojyo had their little thing going on, but nobody talked about that. I was stunned as hell when I found out that Sanzo was gay too. The world kind of went all screwy there after what happened to Hakkai, but I NEVER expected that one. Nothing's change about the friendship I have for them (they are Taka and Mayu's god parents), but it did kind of throw me for a while.

I wonder if they're breaking up? No, Sanzo would never leave Hakkai. Is Hakkai sick? That would upset Sanzo, but enough to wake ME up in the middle of the night? I give up. I'm going to see them. I write Houmei a note and grab some food for the road. I open the door. AGHHH!!


	4. Part 4: The Golden Days

Part 4: The Golden Days

Gojyo

I've walked all damn day and half way into the night. This town looks familiar. Ah, fuck it! I'm finding someplace to bed down for the night. I spot the inn and walk up to the door. I raise my hand to knock… "AGH! Shit! You scared me, you little…Monkey?!"

It has to be Goku. I look into those big, stupid, golden eyes and know that this is fate. He grins. "Long time, you pervy kappa. What's the idea with the midnight visit?"

"It wasn't planned. I'm on my way somewhere and I wandered here on accident. How about you? What the hell are you doing out this late?" I light a cigarette and not to ask about Hakkai.

"It's a long story. You were on your way to see Hakkai, weren't you? I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"Why not? Does he hate me for what happened?" My heart feels weak. He should hate me. I am the reason it all happened.

"No, man, it's not that. You know how Hakkai is… It's just that things are different now." Goku steps aside and motions me in the door.

Houmei stands in the hallway looking pregnant and pissed. "Okay, what is idea??? Is everyone out to keep me up all night?? Whoever the hell you are….huh? Gojyo what are you doing here?"

Goku groans. "Honey, you can ask him that in the morning."  
"Can it, monkey. He has some explaining to do, and it had better be good." She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me.

"It's good to see you too, Houmei." I fake a yawn. "Really, can it wait till morning, though."

"Fine, but you two are sharing the open stall in the barn for tonight!" She waddles up the stairs and leaves me and Goku alone.

I follow him out to the barn and he lights a lantern. He sighs. "This makes me think back to all the times we spent together like this. Sometimes, I really miss our road trips."

"Yeah, I do too."

"You didn't have to leave, ya know. No one blames you…well, Hakkai doesn't and neither do I."

"So Sanzo and I are the only ones who know the truth, huh?"

Goku looks confused. "That guy picked a fight with Hakkai…"

"God damn it, monkey, it's my fault! Don't you get it??" It all comes back to me. "Hakkai was protecting me when he was blinded. It's my fault!"


	5. Part 5: Black and Blue

Part 5: Black and Blue

Hakkai

I bite my lip and try to go back to sleep. I would have thought finding sleep would be easier when I was already in the dark, but it's not. I can still feel Sanzo watching me. A cool breeze blows in from the open window, and I shiver. I hear the window slide shut

"Too cold?" Sanzo asks as he puts another blanket over me. He's changed a lot since we met. He's become over protective of me. It's hard not to feel a bit smothered.

"Sanzo, do you remember what it felt like on our journey West?"

"Yeah. I try not to think about it too much. Makes me wanna go find the monkey and beat him for annoying the fuck out of me the whole way." He slides his cold hands across my chest. "We've got something good going now. There's nothing in the past that matters more than this."

I smile and lift his hands to my lips. "You're right. I guess I'm just a little sentimental."

"For Gojyo?"  
He'll never get over that one. "No. I just miss it being the four of us in the jeep."

"We can go see… visit Goku, if you want," he offers. A year later and he still doesn't like to use the word "see" around me. Think he's afraid I'll become depressed again.

"That'd be nice. I can't believe how grown up he's gotten. I still see him in my mind the way he was on our trip."

"He hasn't changed that much," Sanzo lies. I know Goku has changed. I can hear it in his voice. He's become a man. "What's the matter?"

"Umm...nothing. Why would something be wrong?"

"You're frowning."

Shit. I've got to be more careful. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. "

I get out of bed and take five steps to my left. Reaching out my hands, I grab hold of the drapes. "Sanzo, do you have a light on in here?"

"No."

I smile, before I draw the drapes. It's a little game we play from time to time. Take away the light and it doesn't matter that Sanzo has eyes and I don't. All that's left is the feeling of my hands as they meet his skin. The scent of his hair. The taste of his mouth against mine. The sound of his moan as I lower my hand over his abdomen.

This life is enough for me, Sanzo. But I know that it is not enough for you. I've stolen away the very things that make you the harsh, beautiful man you are. You've…we've become ordinary. Don't you want more? More than I can give you?


	6. Part 6: The Scent of Home

Part 6: The Scent of Home

Goku

The past stopped feeling real to me a long time ago…well, not a long time ago when you think that I was in chains for 500 years. My memories aren't real clear about much before Sanzo, and even those years have started to feel less real. I'm older now…not much older. I still only look about 20, but I feel like a man. I get a good laugh when I look at my daughters and see that they're just as hyper as I was. Taka and Mayu have my eyes, but look more like Houmei. I know that I'll probably out live my family. I don't like to think about that.

Houmei is the only person I've ever met who didn't see me as just Sanzo's little tagalong. She saw me for me. The really cool part is… she liked that. For once in my life, things are settled. I am in love and am loved. I'm home. There was a time when I thought about Gojyo and Hakkai having a home. They were happy together, really happy. That's what I wanted. More than anything…more than all the food in the world. Houmei, Taka and Mayu are my home. Where ever they are is where my heart is.

I guess Gojyo forgot that. He sure did leave in a hurry when Hakkai got hurt. That's his problem. Hakkai's problem is that he can't forget. I remember Yaone gave him something to knock him out while she stitched up Hakkai's face. When he started to come to, he called out for Kanan. It wasn't until he was awake that he asked for Gojyo. Poor Hakkai. Gojyo had already left. He didn't eat for days. He just sat and "stared" into nothing with a cloth tied across his empty eye sockets. The surrogate eye that he'd been give dissolved as soon as the other one was ripped out.

Sanzo stayed with him the whole time. I think he wanted to hunt Gojyo down and kill him. I'm still not so sure he won't. He put the gun away, but I know he still has it. "Someone protected me once," he said. I know what he means, but I… I… Shit, I don't know. Sanzo is like my older brother, and I know where he's coming from. Hakkai is his home. Sanzo won't want Gojyo there, but what do I do? But Gojyo loves Hakkai. I know he's sorry for everything, but is sorry enough? He sure did fuck up Hakkai's life. I wish I could just ask Hakkai what he wants, but that isn't an option right now.

On the trip, Hakkai was the one person who always tried to make things go along smoothly. He was always listening to my problems and giving me advice. I can't let something happen that's going to hurt him.

I'm sorry Gojyo I can't let you go to him. I just can't do it.


	7. Part 7: The Sound of Your Heart

Part 7: The Sound of Your Heart

Hakkai

I lie with my head against Sanzo's bear chest listening to the gentle beat of his heart. He smells like cigarettes and honey. It's such an odd scent, but it really is fitting for Sanzo. I can't deny that it took me a while to get used to it. I was so used to Gojyo that I had to force myself to "see" past the smell.

I try not to think of Gojyo much these days. Sanzo is the center of my world. In the beginning, I though he just felt sorry for me. He led me around by the hand, he fed me, he helped me dress, and he read to me. All the while, I wanted to die. I remember a time when I was glad to be alive, but that time had passed. I felt like a pathetic child. One day, we were sitting outside by the stream, and Sanzo took my hand. At first, I thought it was to lead me back home, but instead he just sat there holding my hand. It was like seeing the sun again. I knew he was there, and would always be there.

In all of our time together, I never questioned Sanzo's sexuality. I merely assumed he was straight. Gojyo and I didn't exactly hide our affair from him, but we weren't advertising it either. Once, Sanzo did ask me how I could stand Gojyo's faithlessness, and that was the only time it was ever openly mentioned. In retrospect, I probably should have known, but that's the beauty of hindsight, so they say.

I've been in love three times. There seems to be a rather sick, sad pattern to my love life. Kanan was my sister. Gojyo was my best friend. Sanzo…well, Sanzo is the man I admire most in my life. Three faces I picture in the darkness. Three stares that haunt me. Kanan died. Gojyo left. I should leave Sanzo. I have to. Sanzo told me to hold nothing, and yet he clings to me and I to him. Someone has to let go.

"Damn it, Hakkai, would you stop frowning like that?" Sanzo grumbles sleepily. Sex has dulled the edge of the words though.

I smile. "I was just trying to figure out if you were awake. Would you mind going for a walk today?"

"Where do you want to go?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I'd just like to be out, I guess. Although, I would like to go to the market."

"Hmmm…what for?" Sanzo asks. With Sanzo, everything has to have a purpose.

"I just want to be with people."

"Alright." He steps out of bed and I can hear the crack of joints as he stretches. "I'm going to make some coffee."

I crawl out of bed and go to the closet. All of my clothes are arranged by color and style for me. Getting dressed used to be such a hassle for me, but I've learned the basics of being blind now. I know the house by memory and the way through our garden and I can even make it into town on my own. I've learned how to do simple cooking and cleaning as well. I'm not helpless anymore, I just occasionally need a nudge in the right direction.

Hakuryu chirps happily as he settles himself on my shoulder. He makes more noise these days. He realizes that I can't see him anymore. Little Hakuryu has been most helpful since it happened. When I get lost or confused, he pulls at my collar toward the right path. It's easier to accept the dragon's help than Sanzo's. He doesn't have a life out there waiting for him. Sanzo does.

I sigh heavily as I lay my hand on the banister. Sanzo could live whatever life he chooses. He shouldn't be stuck here with me. I can't let him through away his life. But where will I go? What will I do?


	8. Part 8: The Touch of Your Hands

Part 8: The Touch of Your Hands

Sanzo

Something's just not right with Hakkai. He thinks he can hide things from me, but he can't. He's been obsessing over something recently. His hands were shaking last night. It wasn't our usual kind of intimacy. I wonder what's going on in that head of his. For as "soft" as Hakkai is, you'd never realize that it's harder to get inside his thoughts than mine. Hakkai has a way of holding everything in until the moment before it tears him apart. He did it with his guilt for Kanan's death, and for the things that he did trying to save her.

I watch him come down the stairs with Hakuryu on his shoulder. The damn thing is just now starting to let me drive him. It took Hakkai weeks of coaxing for him to take us to visit Goku. Although, being coaxed into something by Hakkai is always fun. I smile…just a little. Hakkai's been rubbing off on me, and I have to admit—that's fun too.

"Two more," I say instinctively. Right away, I regret it. I keep crossing the fine line between respecting Hakkai's autonomy and keeping him safe.

"I know. And four feet from the end of the steps to the table. You don't have to do that anymore, Sanzo. I'm a big boy now, I promise," he replies lightly, but there is a slight undertone there. Does he resent me for taking care of him? Well, he's a moron if he does. No, I take that back.

"Habit." I open my paper and try not watch him as he moves around the kitchen. It's a loosing battle I fight every morning. He moves his hands across the counter and finds the teapot, fills it with water, and moves toward the stove. This is the part I hate. He turns the dial on the burner until he hears the clicks, and then carefully waves his hand about a foot above the fame before setting the pot down.

He sits down in across from me and folds his arms. "Anything interesting going on I the world?" Somehow, he knows damn well that I wasn't reading.

"Never is," I answer grumpily. "Do you want to eat lunch out?"

"Not today." He sits back uneasily. "What's the weather like out there?"

"Sunny and clear." But does that even really matter to you anymore? I should have been there to protect you Hakkai, but I promise I'll be there from now on.

I slide my hand into his and he coves it with both of his hands. "I think this is what I like best about us, Sanzo." He smiles.


	9. Part 9: The Sweetest Thing

Part 9: The Sweetest Thing

Lirin

I giggle as I stare at myself in the mirror. With the limiters that I got from Yaone and the dress, Sanzo will never recognize me. Thank God, the rest of my body has finally caught up to my breasts and I don't look out of proportion anymore. The dress fits like a second skin and I put on just enough makeup to make me look sexy.

"Lirin, can I say…again…that I think this is a bad idea?" Yaone says nervously. "If Kougaiji finds out.."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But what if I don't want anyone other than, Sanzo? What if I love him like you love my brother?" I ask crossing my arms over my chest. Yaone should understand.

"Oh, dear. Well, hurry back," she tells me as she walks out of the room.

I take one deep breath and a final look in the mirror. I've had a crush on Sanzo from the first time I met him. He's always the same grumpy monk. Even when he's glaring at me, he's adorable.

Kougaiji is going to have a spaz if he finds out where I've gone. He never really made up with the Sanzo party after his fight with Goku. If I marry Sanzo, he'll have to forgive them, won't he?

I manage to slip away unnoticed. Be ready Genjyo Sanzo, because I'm coming for you and I won't take no for an answer.

Yaone

"Kougaiji? Darling? I think I've made a mistake," I confess as I slide my finger tips down his back.

"Hmm, why do I have a feeling my sister is involved?" He turns my way with an accusing look. "Yaone?"

"Umm…well…I kind of…what I mean is…"

"Damn it, just spit it out already!"

"Okay, okay. I leant Lirin a power limiter so she could go seduce Genjyo Sanzo." I brace for impact.

"WHAT???? YOU DID WHAT???"

"I told you it was a mistake!"

Kougaiji sighs and rubs his temples. "Does she even realize that he's gay?"

"Oh my gosh! He's what??"

"Gay. Homosexual. An ass pirate. A stone cold fag. He takes it up the ass…call it whatever you want. The man does not like women. Did you think he was just playing house with Hakkai for the hell of it?"

"Oh, well, this could get interesting. I just thought they were friends." I smile stupidly. I can't believe that I didn't figure it out before.

A/N: None of the afore mentioned slurs are meant directly and they do not reflect my feelings toward gay/lesbians…..In fact, I never knew what the term ass pirate meant until my gay friend Dan explained it. Thanks Dan! I love you!


	10. Part 10: Watching the Light Fade

Part 10: Watching the Light Fade

Gojyo

I'm awake. I can't force myself to open my eyes and face the rising of another sun. Damn, I don't know if I can do this. I can still see all of it replaying in my mind over and over again. I did it, Hakkai. I close my eyes harder against the light. I can see his blood moving like a waterfall down his face.

I went to the bar that night looking for a game of cards and an hour or so of pleasure with some slut. Hakkai never said a word about my nights out. It was something I had always done and something he accepted. That night, I saw the limiters on my opponent. He was big and nasty even with them on, but I never considered that I couldn't take him. I played my usual game with my usual tricks, and then all hell broke loose.

When the limiters came off, he nearly tripled in size. We'd fought bigger, but this time I was on my own. On punch and I was flying across the room. I felt the bones in my right arm splinter as I hit the wall. Shit, he's tough. That was the last thing I thought before the edges started to blur. But then a voice called my name. I called back to him, but it was too late, he had already placed himself in harm's way between me and the youkai. The last thing I heard was his scream before I passed out.

Opened my eyes, I was looking into the barrel of a gun. "Look at what you have done to him!" Sanzo raged at me.

Slowly, I looked past him. What I saw is branded on my soul forever. Goku was holding Hakkai's head in his lap. Blood covered Hakkai's face and Goku's hands as he tried to stem the bleeding. I saw what was left of his beautiful eyes lying on the floor.

The rest of the night seemed to stay still. Kougaiji's apothecary, Yaone, had always had a sort of friendship with Hakkai. She came to do what she could for him, but in the end, there was nothing that could be done. She stood beside the door to his room with her hands still covered in his blood. "How did this happen?" Her voice shook.

For as much as I knew it was my fault, I couldn't force the words past my lips.

Sanzo stood behind me. "He tried to protect Gojyo from what his own stupidity brought upon him." Those cold, violet eyes tore through me. "He should have left him kill you! What have you ever done but bring him pain? If it wouldn't break him, I'd kill you now."

I could still hear those words as I sat by Hakkai's bed. I held his limp hand and stared at it rather than look at his ravaged face. What have I done? I kept asking myself over and over again. I love you. What have I done?

"Kanan." The word was so weak I could barely hear it. He was still sleeping, but even in sleep, he was racked with pain. Pain that I brought. Pain that I could never bear to bring again. I stood up and looked back at him one last time. The light of the moon was slowing being blocked by the clouds casting a shadow across his face, one that would never lift.

I open my eyes and see the light of a new day, a day already half over. I walk out of the barn and into the kitchen.

Goku is sitting at the table sharing a plateful of cookies with the twins, while Houmei pushes eggs around in the skillet. Goku's smile is as fake as my own. "I thought you were never going to get up."

"I like to sleep."

Houmei turns, still holding the turner. "Start talking, or leave."


	11. Part 11: Damaged

Part 11: Damaged

Hakkai

I walk with my arm interlocked with Sanzo's through the crowded market streets. I could have come on my own and carried my cane, but I'm still a little uneasy in public, and being with Sanzo makes me feel safer. I can smell the spices as we walk by stand after stand. Sanzo gives me the minimal amount of descriptions as we pass. "Fruit on the left, and poultry on the right. Need anything?" He asks.

"Not particularly… you know, I wouldn't mind having some apples around," I say thinking of another day in the market long passed. I can see the beautiful red of the fruit in my mind, and think of another shade of red. "Green apples."

Sanzo pulls out his credit card and I carry the bag of apples as we walk farther down. I love to be in the push of people as the bustle by chattering about this or that. I love hearing their voices and feeling the sun on my face. It's almost as if I can see them. I miss being able to see, and even though I have learned to live a full life without my sight, I still yearn to see. Most of all I yearn to see Sanzo. I want to see the amethyst of his eyes and the gold of his hair. I want to see the hands that touch me.

"Sanzo?"

"Hmmm…What's wrong?" I can hear the worry in his voice and it kills me.

"Nothing, I just want to go home. It's a little crowded," I lie forcing a smile.

"If that's what you wa…."

Suddenly, something plows into us. I feel myself reeling back. For an instant, I panic as I reach out for Sanzo and feel only the market goers passing by me pushing me farther back, but then I feel as steadying hand on my arm and hear a voice that seems a little familiar. "I am so sorry! I didn't mean to hit you two," she says. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I assure her, before calling out. "Sanzo?"

"Hakkai, are you alright? You didn't hit anything did you? Are you okay?" He asks protectively.

"I wish everyone would stop asking me that! I'm fine. Really, Sazno, I'm not anymore breakable than I was before. If all the youkai we battled before didn't hurt me, why would a bump or bruise kill me now???" I ask feeling the blood rush to my face. It dawns on me that Sanzo and I aren't alone, and my discomfort grows.

"What were you trying to do anyway, girl?" he asks her.

"Nothing…it's just when I saw you…" she blurts out with tears in her voice. "Don't you think I'm pretty?"

"What does that have to do with ANYTHING???" Sanzo's rages are legendary. I put myself in front of him instinctively.

"Maybe we should sit down and talk this over." I suggest.

"Never mind," the girl cries and I hear a slight metallic tink as something hits the ground.

I hate relying on him to tell me what's going on. "Sanzo?"

"It was Lirin," he says still in shock.


	12. Part 12: Remember When it Rained

Part 12: Remember When it Rained

Sanzo

I stare after Lirin for a moment. She's grown up, but she's exactly the same ball of energy and foolishness. I shake my head. Who knows what that was about. She's every bit as dumb as the monkey is…worse probably.

My thoughts move back through time to Hakkai's tirade. What do I say to that? How can I tell him? How do I explain that I know he's as strong as ever, but that there's so much more to worry about now? The thought of him being lost and alone scares me more that anything ever has. The memory of loosing one man I loved takes over and I can't let Hakkai go. How do you explain that your greatest philosophy was also you greatest hypocrisy? How can I tell him that holding nothing was my only defense? My mouth begins to form his name. "Hakkai, I'm sorry."

"For what?" he tries to brush it off. "I'm the one who made a scene."

Our walk home is uncomfortable quiet. There used to be a type of silent understanding that went between us, but now there is only the strained chords of things unsaid. Teach me how to tell you these things, Hakkai. I don't know how to tell you what I felt when I saw you hit the ground that night, or what I felt today when you were shoved away from me.

At home, I watch Hakkai move around the kitchen fixing himself more tea. I gaze out the window at the storm clouds moving in. "It looks like rain," I say just for the sound.

"I thought the air felt heavy." He turns to face my direction and tilts his head nervously trying to get a fix on my exact location. I make it easy for him, by crossing the kitchen and pulling him to me. I kiss him hard on the mouth, leaving no doubt that I want him.

"Hakkai, we're such bullshitters. Both of us, and I mean that. I don't know who is worse," I tell him caressing his cheek gently to just below where the cloth is tied. "I wanted you the first time I saw you. All of that hold nothing crap was to stop me from loving you. Do you believe me?"

"Yes, but by default, I'd say you were the bigger bullshitter. No lies, Sanzo—I need to know—why do you stay here?" he asks me.

"I stay because I love you, and I'm a selfish bastard."

He chokes out a laugh "You?"

"Yes me. You're the one thing I've ever had to work for and I'm never letting you go," I promise him. "I own you, Cho Hakkai, and you own me. I'd never leave you."

"And what if I'd rather leave you than have you come to resent me?" His words him me hard.

"How could you think that? You're maybe just as dumb as Goku! Why would I resent you? The only thing I resent is the fact that you want to leave!"

"You think I want to leave? Sanzo, do you remember how you used to be? How I used to be? I did love Gojyo, but even then I think I loved you. Now, I love more than I have anyone else, even Kanan, but I hate what I do to you. I'm just holding you back," he cries.

"Back from what? My happy life?" I grab his hand and bring it to my lips tracing my smile with his fingertips. "I wish you could see my smile, Hakkai. You taught me that. I may not do it as often as you do, but I smile more now that I have in my whole life. And you…you've saved me from myself a thousand times over. I loved someone once, and I couldn't save him, but because of you I can live again. Don't you get that if anything ever happened to you, I'd die. Any life that isn't by you side, isn't the life I want. How could you ever be stupid enough to doubt that I know where I need to be?"

"Sanzo…I love you so much it hurts. It hurts when you think that I'm weak. For me to be whole again, I need you to believe that I'm strong." His voice is so soft that I can barely hear him.

"You are strong, Hakkai. I know that because you smile. That takes more strength than anything. You had the strength to live after Kanan, I stopped living the day Koumyou Sanzo died."

He smiles—a real smile—and takes my hand leading me toward the door. We walk into the rain without thinking of past pain. In our secluded garden, we make love. The rain runs down ours skin cleansing away everything but our passion. This is how we were meant to be for now and forever.


	13. Part 13: What About Your Friends?

Part 13: What About Your Friends?

Goku

It's late in the evening when I sit at the bar with Gojyo. "You should have just answer Houmei, damn it. Now I'm stuck here with you instead of eating dinner with my wife and daughters," I complain.

"I'll buy dinner, okay? I don't understand why it matters why I left. I'm here now," he says staring into his beer.

"It matters, because if I let you go back to him, I need to know why." There I said it.

"If? Listen here, you little monkey, what makes you think you could stop me?" he asks indignantly. We both know the answer to that and he sinks back in his chair.

"Did it matter to you that you were leaving him in a shit load of pain? You never said a damn word to anyone. Not Hakkai. Not me. Not Sanzo. I thought we all had each other's backs, but you screwed that theory. You know, I thought of you as one of my brothers, and you spit in my face. That I could forgive, but you hurt Hakkai. That I can't forgive, Gojyo. So if you think you're going to hurt him again without going through me your wrong!"

"I couldn't look you in the eye after what I did, Goku. I started a fight that I couldn't win and he got hurt for it. After everything we'd been together, I fucked him up just as much Kanan did." He snorts. "I always thought she was a dumb broad. Killing herself because she couldn't face him after it all, but I was just as bad. I ran. Goku, what do you want me to do? Stay away from him forever? I love him."

I take a deep breath. "So does Sanzo."

"What do you mean?"

"They're living together now. They have been for the past eight months or so, and they're happy, Gojyo. Now do you get it? You can't go back.," I tell him.

"No, you're lying. Hakkai and the monk? I can't believe this. How could he?" he asks. I can see the pain written across his face.

"He could do it because Sanzo stayed by his side."

Yaone

I watch Kougaiji pace in front of me. "I said I was sorry," I remind him.

"Hmmm…there wasn't anything you could do. When she gets something in her head, there is no hope. She should have been back by now though. I think Doku and I should look for her."

"Well, if she found out that he's already taken, maybe it's best to leave her alone," I say remembering what he told me earlier. "We'll all be here when she's ready to talk about it."


	14. Part 14: Broken

Part 14: Broken

Gojyo

I walked through the storm all the way to their house. When I reached the top of the hill over looking their garden, I saw something I never wanted to see. I sit here staring down at them. I'm a fool. I should have known. Flashbacks come to me of the million and one times I should have seen this coming.

I turn back the way I came and find a secluded spot in the forest. I pull a picture from my back pocket. It was taken before the trip West, back when it was still us. I took it for granted that life would always be like it was then. Damn, I should have treated him better all along.

"_Sniffle, sniffle sob WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!."_ What the hell is that?

"Alright, I know you're there come out," I tell the crybaby.

A tall, curvaceous demon woman steps out of the brush. "WHY CAN"T YOU JUST LEAVE ME TO MY MISERY!!!" she yells.

"Well, I was about to ask you the same thing, sugar."

"I just saw the man I love with…with another man! I have the right to be here!"

I laugh just a little. "That makes two of us."

She plops down uninvited beside me. "You're weird. Do you mean you love Sanzo too?"

"Hell no. That monk is an asshole."

"Hey, don't talk about Sanzo like that!"

"Sorry, sis, but it's just a fact. It's not easy to like the guy who stole your man," I say pulling out a cigarette.

She crosses her arms over her huge breasts. They're nice too, it's a shame I still love Hakkai. "My name's not "sugar" or "sis". It's Lirin. And I know you're the sleezey guy who used to hang out with Sanzo. What happened to your hair?"

"Lirin?? Kougaiji's kid sister? Oh, I bet he's real happy you picked Sanzo," I mutter. I can't believe this.

"He doesn't know. But if it wasn't for the blind guy, I'd have found a way to make it work," she pouts.

"You can't control other people's emotions, only your own actions. Believe me, I've screwed up both of those," I admit.

Before I know it, I'm telling her the whole story. All of it from the beginning—from the night I first picked him off the street. For once, I can get it all out. She sits there drying her eyes and listening to every word.

"You're really dumb! You can't control what other people do, either. If he put himself in the way it was 'cause it's where he needed to be. You should have let him love you, but now there's nothin' you and me can do," she says with tears filling her eyes again. I know the feeling.


	15. Part 15: Yesterday's Embrace

Part 15: Yesterday's Embrace

Hakkai

I run my fingertips over the edge of the freshly made bed making sure there aren't any wrinkles. For the first time in a long time, I feel an honest hope for the day. Sanzo left in the morning to go do a few errands, and for once he didn't leave me with a list of things not to do while he's out. It feels good to finally not be treated like a child.

Counting the stairs as I go, I carry the dirty clothes down from our bedroom and out toward the back porch. Reaching into the basket, I drag out one of Sanzo's gloves. Sorting laundry is normally something I leave to Sanzo, but for some reason I feel a need to take care of it on my own today. I feel each piece of clothing as I pick it. So far, no luck finding Sanzo's glove. Maybe I dropped it along the way. I retrace my steps back into the kitchen and the foot of the stairs.

_CREEK. _Hmm…that sounds like the door. "Sanzo?" No answer. Sanzo's normally more obvious about coming to the door, taking heavy steps on the front porch to make sure I hear him coming. "Whoever you are, didn't your mother ever tell you that it's rude to sneak up on a blind guy?" I ask as I focus a ball of chi behind my back. Still no answer. God knows if I'll come anywhere close to hitting him. He's so near I can smell the smoke. "Who the hell are you and why are you here? Answer me damn it!"

"Hakkai…I…I guess maybe I shouldn't have even come." I know that voice.

"Gojyo?"

"It's been a while, Kai," he says clearing his throat.

I turn my scarred face away from him, after all, that's why he left isn't it. "Yes, it has. How have you been?"

"I get by. Say, the monk isn't too picky about where he leaves his clothes is he?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"There's a glove laying on the stairs."

I can feel the heat rise to my face. I'd forgotten about the glove. "I dropped it when I was sorting the laundry," I explain. My God, this is hell. Why did he come?

"Oh. Well, I guess I should let you get back to that." He sounds every bit as uneasy as I am.

"Would you like some tea?" I offer. What am I doing?

"Okay. I could stick around a while. You sure the monk won't shoot me on sight?"

I laugh. "He would, but he keeps the gun in the drawer these days. Not too many youkai come after us these days."

"So does the monk treat you right?" I don't have to see the hurt in his eyes to know it's there.

"Gojyo, we're happy. Things aren't the same as they were before. After…after everything, we both moved on. Sometimes things aren't always easy, but Sanzo and I have learned to work through it. I'll get the tea," I tell him. It's better to be doing something.

"I can get it. I mean won't you burn yourself?" He rushes to my side and puts a well-meaning hand on my elbow.

"You and Sanzo seem to have the same way of thinking these days. Sit down, Gojyo. I can handle things on my own."


	16. Part 16: The Ghost of You and Me

Part 16: The Ghost of You and Me

Gojyo

He was right about things changing. He's let his hair grow falling across the cloth he's tied over his eyes, and jagged scars peak out from below. His skin looks paler and he looks thinner. There's not a whole left of the Hakkai I used to love. If I didn't know better, I might not have recognized him. My God what have I done to him?

I watch Hakkai as he moves. It looks like he's learned to take care of himself okay. I shut my eyes once and tried to walk across my room—can't imagine what it's like for him. He frowns. "Gojyo? You're awfully quiet."

"Ah…sorry. So Goku's going to be a daddy again. Do you guys get out to there much?" I ask. Shit, I don't know what the hell I was thinking coming out here.

"Yeah, we go out every couple of weeks. We're the twins godfathers. I can't tell them apart as well as Sanzo can," he says simply with his usual fake smile pasted in place. It's enough to fool some people, but I know Hakkai.

"I can't tell them apart, either. Godfather's, huh? You would have been a good dad, Kai, but I don't think the monk's gonna give you any kids."

He laughs. "And you would?"

"You're welcome to try." Damn wrong thing to say. "What I meant…ah shit."

"I know," he says ruefully. "You like your lovers to be beautiful."

"Hakkai, I..I didn't leave because you aren't beautiful," I whisper staring at his face…at the scars and pain that I caused.

"So why did you go?"

"I left because I couldn't bare to look at you and see what I had done to you." He opens his mouth and closes it again. I don't think he wants to hear even as I don't want to say it. "I treated you like shit, and I knew it. I thought that if I pretended you didn't mean that much to me, that you wouldn't. That night, I went into that bar with the intention on cheating my way through a few hands and betraying you with some slut. I'm not worth saving, but you…you did it anyhow. I know that it was your choice, but I'm the one who made the real decision that night and you reaped the consequences. If I could take it all back…"

Shaking his head, he reaches out a hand to me and pulls me to him. "If I could go back, I'd do it again. Gojyo, I'm not as innocent as you think I am. I let you do what you did because I knew even then that what we had wasn't going to last. I'll love you forever; this can't change that. But I knew that somehow, you and I weren't meant to be. Do you know why I was out that night?"

I shake my head, too choked up to speak. Dumb ass, he can't see me. "No, but it doesn't matter."

He smiles. "Yes it does. Do you remember me telling you that I felt nothing when Kanan died? Well that night, I knew you needed me."

"And you came even though you had a good idea what I was doing?"

"I came because you are the best friend I've ever had." His voice is once again the soft, counseling tone I remember, and he lifts his hand to my cheek drifting over my scars and to my hairline. "You cut your hair?"

"I thought I looked more rugged this way," I lie.

"Really? I always thought Goku was right…you looked like a pirate."

I laugh and press a kiss to his forehead. "Do you really love him?"

"I do. Sanzo and I just fit together I guess."

I nod. How stupid can I be? " Well, then I guess I should be going."

"By all means, stay a while," a voice rasps from behind. "We wouldn't want Sanzo's lover to get lonely."

I spin around to see the youkai. Four of them, all big and nasty. Damn it. This isn't going to be fun. I push Hakkai behind me. They're going to have to come through me first.

"Who are they, Gojyo?" he asks.


	17. Part 17: Echo

Part 17: Echo

Sanzo

I know she's following me and she knows I know. Damn, she's almost as persistant as the monkey was over a meat bun. I wish I carried the gun these days, but that was a long time ago. They used to call her my "pet." It's a shame no one has her on a leash.

"HEY!!!!! WAIT! Sanzo, please wait," she cries from behind

"Fine, say what you have to say and leave me alone." I run a hand through my hair and try not to let the veins in my forehead pop out.

"You really are mean!"

"So leave me alone then."

She drops her head letting a mass of strawberry blonde curls tumble down. "You know, I always thought you'd be different when you saw me as a human."

"And why should that change anything?"

"I dunno. I don't even know why I like you so much. You're different…you always were. You were kind of like me…you did your own thing…no matter what anyone said."  
"So you thought you'd do your own thing by being what I wanted? Do you know how stupid that sounds?" I ask.

She shrugs and tries to look away. "You're red haired friend called you an asshole…maybe he was right."

"Red haired??? Gojyo? What's that bastard doing back here?"  
"He came to win Hakkai back, but he saw you two getting dirty in the rain and gave up."

"Damn it, I should have known he'd crawl back sooner or later!"

She laughs. "Yeah, you should have, baldy."

I groan and race along the path to our home. She follows, but I'll deal with that pain in the ass later. Gojyo. I'll kill that bastard. I close my eyes and see Gojyo kissing the man that I love. I'll kill him. I'm almost there.

"**_KYU!!!!!!!! KYUUUUUUU!!!!" _** I've never heard Hakyuru make that sound before.

"Hakkai!!!" I'm screaming his name as I race through the front door. The furniture is broken and scattered. A trail of blood leads out the back, and all I can do is scream his name, but the only sound in the house is that of my own voice echoing back.

"Sanzo…" I'd forgotten Lirin. "Sanzo look at this. They have him and Gojyo. If you want him back you have to come alone."  
I snatch the note and read it for myself. They'll all die for this.


	18. Part 18: You're Not Alone

Part 18: You're Not Alone

Hakkai

I feel the gentle sway of the truck as we travel down a road. Gojyo groans softly in my lap. One more time, I slide my finger tips over him searching for wounds that I missed. I bandaged up most of his injuries with strips I ripped off of my shirt. He fought hard to protect me. I listened to it all in horror and there wasn't much I could do to save him or myself. I did try to fight, but their laughter rings in my ears. I was so helpless. They tossed us in the back and I heard the door slide shut. They must have us in the back of some sort of delivery truck. I can hear the sounds echoing in the cargo hold.

"Oh Gojyo," I whisper as I brush the hair off of his forehead. Maybe I just should have let you walk out and then you wouldn't be in this mess. He shutters beneath my touch.

"Hell is rather anticlimactic," he rasps.

I swallow the lump in my throat thinking back to that day. "Who are you calling anticlimactic?" Whatever was left of my composure goes out the door. "I'm so sorry, Gojyo."

"Hey, I owed you one. Remember, me? I'm the one whose life you saved. Are you hurt?"

"Not that I can tell," I answer.

He sits up a bit still leaning on my chest. "Damn, it's dark in here."

I laugh a little. "Welcome to my world."

"Any ideas on how to get out?" he asks.

I snort. "You're giving me an awful lot of credit."

"Snap out of this self pitying bullshit, Hakkai. You're the brains of this little operation." He stands and falls back down when we hit a bump.

"You're right, but I need you to be my eyes. Can you see anything in here?" I ask thinking fast.

"Not a thing." He sits down beside me.

"Well then I guess we just wait and see where they take us. If we're going to be bait, they're going to have to hold us somewhere."  
"Kai?"

"Yes?"  
"Not to rehash the subject, but how do you live like this?"

I let the question sink in for a moment. Suddenly, an image flashes into my mind. Sanzo. "Even in the dark, I'm never alone. It was hard at first. I think I walked into everything that stood still long enough, but Sanzo was there helping me when I need it and telling me that I could come back from this. I stayed with Goku and Houmei for a while, at first. I had my own room at the inn and Sanzo would come visit me almost every day. When we moved in together, I knew that it was time for me to take care of myself even if I didn't know how. And now, I'm starting to believe in myself…and so is Sanzo."

"I wish I had been there for you, Hakkai. I know that you'll never forgive me for that…hell, I don't even forgive myself—but I want to be your friend. Even if it means I have to give up on having you as my lover. How about it? Would you mind if I started coming around?" He asks softly. This is killing him.

I find his hand. "Gojyo, I do forgive you. And I'd mind if you didn't come see us."

I feel the truck come to a stop and it's time to put all of this emotional baggage away.


	19. Pat 19: The Call

Part 19: The Call

Goku

How the hell I made it here this fast I don't know, but I wasn't the first. Lirin sits with her knees tucked under her on the porch and Yaone—just as pregnant as Houmei—sits beside her. Kougaiji paces giving his sister angry looks. Dokugakuji leans against the wall by the door.

"Where are Hakkai and Sanzo?" I ask.

Lirin lifts her head. "Sanzo's out back. Some nasty demons kidnapped Hakkai and Gojyo."

I wiz by them without a second glance. "Sanzo?"

I find him staring at pool of blood in the kitchen. "I don't know if it's his or not."

"Sanzo, we'll save him." I promise. I knew it. I could feel it from so far away, but I knew he needed my help.

He looks up at me. His eyes are glistening—something I've never seen before. "I've got to alone or they'll kill him."

This isn't Sanzo. Something inside him has snapped. "We'll figure something out. Sanzo, you have to believe that we can save him."

"I'm going to save him and I'll do it on my own damn it! If they see you coming with me they'll kill him."

Something inside me snaps and before I know it, my hand flies across Sanzo's cheek. "Wake up! I love him every bit as much as you do…different but I still do. I would never let anything happen to him. Not if I could stop it. Sanzo, you two are the closest thing to parents I have ever had. Do you think I'd knowingly endanger him? Or even Gojyo?"

He touches the welt on his cheek. "I'm going to kill you for that!"

I laugh darkly. Sanzo's back. "Well wait until we get your honey back and then we'll see about that."

He takes a step toward the porch. "Hakkai was right—you have become a man."

Sanzo snorts. "Come on, 'son,' let's go get your mom and kid brother back."

"Now you're talkin'. Lirin's coming too." The bouncy bimbo says from the door way.

"I'm not leaving my brother's life in your hands." Dokugakuji chimes in from behind her.

"Well, I'm not staying here on my own," Kougaji quips over Yaone's protests.

I can't believe this is happening, and from the look on Sanzo's face neither can he. "What a freak show. It's even worse than before now that you guys are here," he says crankily.

I smile. "How about a lift Hakuryu?"

"KYUUUUU!"


	20. Part 20: No Way Out

Part 20: No Way Out

Gojyo

I describe the layout of the building they led us through and then slump back against the cell wall beside Hakkai. "So what now?"

He stands and takes a few tentative steps forward with his hands stretched out in front of him. Sliding his hands down the bars he squats at the entrance. "If I get us out of here are you strong enough that we could fight our way out?"

"I don't know, man. They look tough." I swallow hard and spit it out. "I'd say their buddy was the one who…who hurt you."

He nods. "I don't know which is worse; waiting here or trying to fight."

"I don't know if I could protect you, Hakkai," I tell him.

I watch as he just sits there frowning not saying a word. It's so odd to see him look like that. Even in the worst of it, there was always a smile on his lips, but I guess that's changed. "Who asked you to protect me?"

"Wha…?"  
"You heard me. Who asked you to protect me, Gojyo?" He sounds like Sanzo.

"Hakkai, I…"

"No, Gojyo. I'm stronger than you think I am. We can get out of here. I don't need your protection. Guidance yes, but not protection." He lets out enough chi to break through the bars and pushes his way through the gap. "Coming?"

"You've been with that damn monk too long."

He smiles. "It's never too much."

"If you say so." I follow slide out of the cell and let him take my arm. "Don't see any guards yet."

He nods and we make our way down the hall and up a small stair well. I don't know why they don't have any guards down here. Then again with Hakkai being blind and me banged up maybe they didn't see any point in guarding us. Then again…

"Hakkai!"

A/N Hey all thanks for reading, and big hugs and kisses to everyone who's reviewed so far. Anyway, things are a bit crazy right now so I haven't had any real time to write (hence the short chap), but I've only got a little more to go on this story and it might take me a week or two to finish up. Thanks again!


	21. Part 21: Don't Let Go

A/N—I know I said it would be a while, but my sweetie left me alone for the weekend with a bunch of chick flick and this is the result.

Part 21: Don't Let Go

Sanzo

The first three fell pretty easy. Dokugakuji and Lirin took one, while Goku and I each battled the other two. How many are there? I don't know, but I push on through the gates and into the dimly lit hall. "Hakkai! Hakkai!" I call his name as I run. More of them come at me, but I fight like a mad man. I fight like Cho Gonou, but unlike Gonou I will not fail. I hear them all behind me.

"Hakkai!"  
"Sanzo!" I hear him call my name. Relief floods through me. "Sanzo, we're down here!"

"I'm coming!" I run faster than I have ever before. My smoker's lungs burn, but my heart feels lighter. And then I see them. They stand in front of a dead youkai. Gojyo leans on Hakkai for support. Both of them are covered in blood and bruises.

My gun is aimed before I know it. "You bastard!"

"Nice to see you too, monk." He turns to Hakkai. "I told you he'd shoot me. Pay up."

Hakkai smiles. "We had a bet going. If for no other reason, can you not shoot him so I don't have to pay him."  
This is too much for me to take in. "What the Hell is going on here?"

"Don't worry, I didn't steal him from you," Gojyo quips. "Now can we get out of this shit hole?"

"If you think this is over…"

"Sanzo," Hakkai interrupts my threats. "We should get out of here."

I grunt my reply as Goku takes over the role of Gojyo's crutch. "OWWWW! Watch it you, stupid monkey! I'm bleeding here!"

"Well if you weren't such a wimpy kappa you, wouldn't be hurt!"

Ignoring their bickering, I stand perfectly still for a moment. My pride stings.

"Sanzo?" Hakkai calls my name softly his hands stretched out toward the spot my voice came from last. I say nothing as I move to guide him. He takes hold of my arm a little tighter than usual. "Sanzo?"

"What?"

"You really are jealous aren't you?"

"I'd say that's half of it. Don't you remember the way he betrayed you? Do you think that if you left with him today that things wouldn't end up being the same? He's about as faithful as a dog?" Bitterness flows from me. I can't believe he'd do this to me after what we've shared.

He has the gall to smile. "I really don't want to go anywhere with him. Sanzo, I'm happy with you. I honestly can't believe you'd even think that I'd leave you after yesterday. Gojyo is a friend. Yes, I remember that he left me, but I forgive him for it. I can forgive him for it because I let him betray me—I knew it would happen. Gojyo is a friend," he repeats, "but you are my soul. Genjyo Sanzo, I love you."

I can't hold back my snort. "Sure get me good and pissed off and then drop something like that on me. I won't kill him, but if he ever does anything to hurt you again I'll do something worse than murder him. I'll castrate him," I say the last bit just loud enough.

"Hey, that isn't funny!" Gojyo cries from ahead of us.

"Good, because I wasn't joking." I tell him.

We are almost to the opening when they appear. "Oh shit."  
"What's going on?" Hakkai asks helplessly. I push him behind.

"There's a whole shit load of them at 12 o'clock," Gojyo answers. Only then does it occur to me that Hakkai must have had some part in fighting the one back in the cells. His words come back to me. _You have to believe that I am strong. _

The battle that follows is all out chaos. This whole thing was all a trap to lure us in and attack us from behind. Damn, I should have seen it coming. They're a lot tougher than the ones we already killed. Kougaiji and Goku are even having problems taking them down. One. Two. Three bullets to kill one. My next two shots miss and I aim the last one at the heart of a youkai. Damn it! I hurry to reload.

Suddenly, Hakkai shoves his body in front of mine and summons a ball of chi. "2 o'clock." I say remembering Gojyo's description. Aiming where I told him, Hakkai lets the ball fly and it nails the target killing him. I push back in front and start shooting. The rhythm continues. The other's have taken out a quite a few of them, and by the time the last one falls, I have begun to relax a bit.

"Sanzo!" Hakkai cries from behind me a ball of light in his hands. A youkai stands just behind us and Hakkai releases the force at the same moment as the demon's spear pierces his chest.

He falls into my arms. "NO! Hakkai!"

There is so much blood. He rasps for breath in my embrace. "I heard him coming, Sanzo," he says pitifully and begins to cough up blood.

"Hold on, Hakkai!"


	22. Part 22: I Would Die For You

Part 22: I Would Die For You

Hakkai

"That's the last of them," I hear Kougaiji say. I let out a breath. Maybe I'm not so useless after all.

_Thunk. Thud. Huff. Huff. _ I turn to face the sounds. I know it's a youkai. Forming a ball of chi, I call out Sanzo's name before releasing it toward the sound.

PAIN! White hot pain cuts through me. I fall. It seems like forever. I'm falling. "NO! Hakkai!" There's a voice and I'm caught by familiar arms.

I know I'm dying, but there's still time. Time to say what I need to say. Breathing hurts and I'm so cold but I have to say it all before…

"I heard him coming, Sanzo," I explain as a spasm rips through me. I taste my own blood spilling from my lips as I cough.

"Hold on, Hakkai!" He begs me.

"I can't, Sanzo…so sorry…_cough, cough_…forgive me."

"Hakkai, hang on, pal." Gojyo.

"Don't die." Goku.

They're all here. "Gojyo," I say summoning the strength to reach toward his voice. He holds my hand. Lifting my other hand toward him. "Goku." He takes my hand and I can feel him shaking. I tilt my head back painfully toward the body behind me. "Sanzo."

I can hear his sobs. "All of you promise me you'll take care of each other for me…_cough_….promise me"

With tears in his voice, Gojyo protests, "You're gonna be fine."

My strength, though more than a humans is fading. Not much time. Pain. "Promise!"

They swear it and I lean back a little easier at least that is over.

"Hakkai," Goku sobs. "You're the only father I've ever had. I love you."

I feel his lips press against my cheek and I try to smile. "So proud of you, my son." This is goodbye.

"I'll take care of him for you," Gojyo promises. "I'll stay with him until he's okay." I know who he means and I feel his lips on the back of my hand. He knows this is it.

"Thank you. _Gasp. _You're the best friend I could have asked for." The body behind me shutters.

"Sanzo," I gasp. "I love you. I don't want to leave you…_cough_…but I have to. You have to live for me."

"No, you're going to be fine. We'll grow old together, Hakkai. I love you. Please don't leave me! I can't live on my own!" he cries. His tear soaked face presses against mine and we share one last kiss. Despite his denial, he knows it's too late for me

I feel myself start to fade out of this world. Have to finish it. "You have to. _cough cough_ You'll never be alone. Never alone," I promise him. I force the word through pain. "**I.**" Have to get it out. "**LOVE**." A little more. "**YOU**." I let go.


	23. Part 23: Still Frame

Part 23: Still Frame

Gojyo

The moments after float back to me. We didn't grieve long. Goku stayed with the body, but Sanzo and I were not done. This was not over yet. We were coming for them and they were going to pay. What came next was a blood bath. Sanzo and I ripped through them like they were paper. Revenge was all that mattered. Kougaiji and company came with us, but hung back away from the real fight. Blood had not flowed like this since the days of Cho Gonou. An entire clan fell to us. They came for the scripture and now they have paid.

The last one fell at Sanzo's hands and we stared over the carnaige that we had wrought without remorse, but did it change anything? He's still gone. I stumble through the door way vaguely aware that there's a body behind me

I feel numb. Is this a nightmare? Will I wake up? No, it's real. I keep waiting for him to sneak up behind me with a new name like he did before, but it just doesn't happen. I sit in the kitchen…the same place where he'd forgiven me. Cho Hakkai is dead.

Hakkai. Beautiful Hakkai is gone. There is no chance of reconciling all of the shit between us. There's no chance I can win him back

The air feels like it's been sucked out of my lungs. He's not coming back. He's really gone. Panic vibrates through me. I am beyond tears.

"Gojyo," a female voice says quietly from behind me.

I don't turn or even move a muscle. He's gone. He's really, honestly, truly gone. Hakkai's not coming back.

"Gojyo!" Lirin crouches in front of me.

No matter what I do, I can't bring him back. This can't be real. This isn't what's supposed to happen damn it! There's been a mistake! He's alive!

"Gojyo!"

Maybe if I go home…to our home…maybe he'll be there waiting. Standing in the kitchen. Scolding me for a dirty dish left in the sink. I'll go.

"GOJYO!" She's screaming and shaking me. "He's dead."

"Wha…?"

"You can go back, but he won't be there," she tells me. Tears stain her cheeks.

I was talking to myself that whole time. Damn.

She grasps my face in my hands and forces me to stare into her eyes. "You can't bring him back."

The tears that I hadn't been able to release come all at once and I'm crying in the arms of a woman I barely know. A voice inside of me—my own voice tells me that I have promises to keep. I told him I would stay with him until he was okay. Am I okay? No, but I promised Hakkai I'd watch over Sanzo. His voice echoes back to me _Thank you._


	24. Part 24: Proud of Your Boy

Part 24: Proud of Your Boy

Goku

I drive Hakuryu to the undertakes with his body in the back. The old man takes the money I give him barely saying a word about the blood covering me and Hakkai's broken body. I wanted no part in their revenge. It isn't what he would want. In my heart, I know it's true.

I crouch in a stall in the barn and let out the full torrent of my tears. I made sure that Houmei and the girls didn't see me come this way, covered in blood…Hakkai's blood. My father's blood. I cry so hard that I begin to gag. I lie in the straw crying like a child. _So proud of you, my son._

"Goku?" I hear my wife's voice and see the light from her lantern, but I don't move to hide my anguish or stop the tears. "My God, Goku…."

She drops down to her knees beside me and places a hand on my bloodied shirt. "Not mine," I manage to assure her.

The relief that shows in her eyes is momentary "Who?"

"Hakkai." My body revolts at reality of what I said. Hakkai. My father is dead.

Tears flood Houmei's eyes and she nods. "I'll get some water and fresh clothes."

As she leaves me, old memories flood back to me. Memories of our time together on the journey West. Memories of how he took care of me like no one else ever had. Hakkai was no blood relationship to me, and not nearly old enough to be my father, but he took me under his wing. He made sure I was always taken care of. He took time to explain to me Sanzo's moods. Sanzo was my savior, my brother, my best friend, but Hakkai was my father. I'd always envied everyone who had parents. Deep down I wanted to be human and to know what it was like to be born and grow in a family. I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but at least I had my father's love.

I wipe my eyes and think of my daughters. I picture him holding them both the day they were born. Smiling with one girl in each arm. "Ah, Goku, you're a lucky man. They're beautiful girls," I can still hear him say. Taka and Mayu are my world. I hope I am able to be the man that Hakkai was and be there for them and their unborn brother or sister the way he was for me. Hakkai put aside his own pain and put us all first in his life. I will do that for my children. I can be a man because he showed me how.

I take the water and clothes from Houmei and thank her for them. I clean myself up and creep into my daughters' room. Kissing their sweet faces I know that this is what he would want me to do. Instead of mourning his death, I will celebrate life. His life, my life, my friends' lives and the lives of my children.

I'm going to continue to live this way. I'm going to make you proud of your boy, father. From this day on, I am going to be the kind of man that you would respect. Seeking and keeping peace, and only fighting for honor and truth and those I love. I will make sure that you are always proud of your boy. _So proud of you, my son. _I'm going to earn that.


	25. Part 25: To Where You Are

Part 25: To Where You Are

Sanzo

I naked lie in our bed with the gun sitting on the nightstand. My body aches from crying. A pile blood stained clothes sits at the foot of the bed. The moon rises and then sun is out again. Before I know it another day has past. I can hear the sounds of them below, but I make no attempt to leave our bed. Lying here, I can still smell his scent on the pillows. I still feel connected to him.

One more day drifts by; myself drifting into oblivion occasionally and then back to reality. At no time can I escape the truth—he's dead. He died protecting me. There is no way to describe the pain in my heart. Hakkai died in my arms. Occasionally, there's a knock at the door, but no one has dared to come in farther than the door way. They leave food and water before turning away. Everyone has left me alone to grieve. The food sits untouched until they come to take it, but I drink the water. I lie there. Days pass.

"I'm sorry." The words come from a voice without form, but I know who said it. The merciless bitch appears before me.

"Get the fuck out!" I say without moving. My voice is raw from disuse.

"I mean it, Konzen…Sanzo," she corrects herself.

"Oh, yeah, then why didn't you save him? I know you could have. You saved me. Why the fuck didn't you do something?" I pick up the gun and fire five times.

"Because there are some things that are meant to happen. He was meant to die and you to live," she says it like she means it, but do I care?

"I saved one last bullet for myself. Tell me, if I'm meant to live, would you stop me?" I ask.

"No."

"No?" I'm surprised by her answer. "Why not? You didn't stop what was "meant" to happen to him. If your so interested in keeping things the way they are meant to be, why would you let me change them?"  
"Because you won't do it."

"Why the fuck wouldn't I?" I ask enraged. _You have to live for me. _She doesn't have to answer me. I already know. "You damned fucking bitch!" I fire the last shot at her. "I will NEVER forgive you—in this life or the next, that much I promise you."

She begins to fade. Is that a tear? "I know you won't. Believe me it saddens me, but I did what I had to do, and so will you."

I scream a stream of obsenities too foul to imagine. Goku and Gojyo appear in the door way.

"Sanzo, are you okay?" Gojyo asks. I can see the worry in his eyes.

"I'm going to live," I tell him. I feel weak as I stand and walk to the down the hall. They gape at me, but I can tell that part of them is relieved to see me move. Closing the door behind me, I shower, shave, and change into clean clothes.

I know they buried him days ago, but today I say my goodbyes. Afterwards, I don't know what I'll do. But I'm going to keep my promises to him. I'm going to live and I will take care of the others. She—I will no longer say her name—was right, I will do what I have to do.

Standing at his grave, I look around at the place they have chosen for him. There are trees shading his grave and flowers bloom in the meadow. A stream…our stream bubbles by at the bottom of the hill. He liked it here. I'm sure he would be happy to know that they chose this spot. I'm sorry I didn't come to the burial, but I'm not sure I could have handled it.

"Hakkai, my love, somehow, I know that your listening to me. Despite the title and all, I think we can all agree that I was never much for faith, but I believe that you are still here. Your watching us all, aren't you? I'm so sorry. I should have paid more attention. I should have been the one to die, no matter what the gods say. I'm not the man that you are…were. I don't know how I'm going to do it, Hakkai. I don't know how I'll live without you. I love you so much. I just don't know how to go on," I say letting the last of my tears fall. Like a gift from heaven a gentle breeze begins to blow to the West. I squint against the setting sun and see them standing there. Goku and Gojyo stand just on the other side of the stream waiting for me. "I guess that's your way of answering me." I smile. "Okay, so I'll go on living, but I still can't wait until I see you again. I can't wait until I can follow you to where you are."

The End

A/NAHHHH! Don't hurt me! I know yall wanted a happy ending but this story was really inspired by the Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey song "Where You Are" and the song is about missing someone who died. Cheesy I know. (As for the love triangle, that's from my own experiences.) NEway this is the End but not really the end. I have big plans evil grin

Thanks to Althea17, Esthered, Addictedtomarbles, Kaede-Ruwaka-Ice-Prince, TheClaws, Touya's Angel, Ranka-killeroftheSCANTRONS, Ryuichi Sakuma (and bunny), Loveandpeace522, Dei, Zan, Jing, Liz, and Howling Fang. Love yall! (sorry if I missed anyone)


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